The Girl Who Used to Be Me

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Just Another Girl (Who Used to Be a Boy)

Now I open the door a few inches. About the right age to be my dad. A bubble expands in my chest. Nothing about him is familiar. The kaleidoscope shifts. Should I be disappointed—or relieved? They take the blue futon couch. I sit on the green striped chair I found on the side of the road two months ago.

Some place where he could forget what he did.

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But the law must have finally caught up with him. Who I come from. He has a round, pale face, like the moon. I wish they would just cut to the chase. According to the law, I am an adult, even though I only just turned seventeen. The detective pulls out a notebook and flips to the top page. The pieces shift and fall again. Olivia Reinhart. I left Ariel Benson behind. And your father was Terry Weeks. My dad killed her and then drove up here.

The Girl I Used to Be

Along the way, he dropped me off at the Salem Walmart. He parked at the airport and then took off. This was before September 11, when it was a lot easier to just fly away without leaving a record of where you went. Leaving behind your murdered girlfriend and your three-year-old daughter.

How could his body be in the forest? They just got the DNA results back. The chaplain leans forward. They now think he was murdered, probably at the same time as your mother, and by the same person. I try to take it in. I snatch at one of the dozens of thoughts whirling through my brain.

The detective shrugs. Animal predation could have disturbed the remains. The killer could have moved one of the bodies. Maybe one of your parents tried to run. The daughter of a victim and a killer. When I looked in the mirror, sometimes I thought I could see them both—the cowering and the rage. Part of my dad was in me, and that meant I could grow up to be like him. Every time I lost my temper, I felt it pulse deep inside. The knowledge that I could do something as crazy as he did, stab someone I was supposed to love and leave them with only the cold stars as witnesses.


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I imagine the three-year-old me. Not what happened that day or before. Is not remembering a gift or a curse?


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